There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize