Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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