I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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