So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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