Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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