We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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