if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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