I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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