I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
