Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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