my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We are all done wearing pants today
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
