I didn't shave. On purpose
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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