And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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