fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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