I got chris browned last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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