I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
