TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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