i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
