I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
being pregnant is like rehab
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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