That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
