Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
