party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize