that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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