you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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