I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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