3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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