I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
