i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
