i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
