Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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