Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
