party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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