cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
