I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Will exercising make me less horny?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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