I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
