filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
