I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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