dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
