ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
