why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
