found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
