I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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