oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
