Just fell off a train. Bad.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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