im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sobbing to NWA
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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