I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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