Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
