Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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