member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
