I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
