and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
