I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
