I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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