There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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