New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
