Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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