I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
