Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
