I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
